I’m not sure how to say all this so I’ll do my best…it’s the reason you haven’t heard much from me lately. My dad has been given 2 – 8 months to live. Discussing it at all is difficult so please just keep my family in prayer and I will update as necessary. I’m extraordinarily grateful for so much and struggling with it and the range of emotion is unbelievable. So here’s the good, the bad and the truth of it all.
He has had liver cancer for a long time however very few people knew. Up until the heart surgery fiasco I was the only one besides my mom. After that surgery all of five people knew. He has recently made the decision to discontinue all treatment because being in bed 90% of the time is not living and that’s what the treatment was doing…it was endurable when it was making a substantial difference but it’s no longer doing that. He has chosen to live with the time he has left and I would have made the exact same decision.
I have been so incredibly blessed to have had two years and in all truth many more than that based on doctor opinion but I have maintained that it’s not the doctors who make the call it’s God and I want to take the time to say with each prayer sent up a miracle has been sent down. I can say with all certainty that it was God’s hand because not even one person, whether they share my beliefs or not, could explain any of it.
I am grateful to have been given the time to spend with my dad. I am grateful for all he’s taught me…that ridiculously strong stubbornness, that straightforwardness, that belief that I will get bent but I will never allow anyone to break me, that need to tell the truth even when it’s not in my best interest, that fear nothing even when it’s not in my best interest, that belief that people can change but it may take awhile and so much more.
I am so grateful he was able to see all four of his grandchildren born. I am grateful that my 10 year old has had the opportunity to learn so many things from my dad and has developed a very strong bond. Both my boys have also seen what it looks like to not fear death or anything really but to embrace life to the fullest no matter the circumstances. They have seen what a strong individual who knows without doubt that when your time is up, it’s up and the how is really inconsequential.
Having said all that, and realizing what an incredible gift that time is, it’s still hard and it still sucks and there are still days where I want to hunt down that heart surgeon and do for him what he’s done for me…at the same time I know that when your time is up, your time is up and even without the surgery fiasco it would be time. When I consider that fact I am grateful that I got the time many don’t….
That the good, the bad and the truth of it all. How could all that be happening and no one know….that’s the stain glass masquerade I blogged about some time ago. It was requested that I tell no one and I get that request from a lot of people…perhaps your one so take comfort in knowing when you say tell no one, I tell no one….
All topics of conversation are totally fine except this one so if you want to know why our intrinsic desire to be nouns when we were created to be adjectives is or if you want to discuss our paradisal form or if you want to know what color the fence up the street is (yep, people have called and asked that) I would be happy to engage.